20, Female, Buffalo, NY, Sophomore in college.
1. The last few days before your period are the harshest time for shaving your bikini line
2. The best way to test a friendship is to go without speaking for months
3. It’s ok to have more than one best friend, in fact it is better because even your best friend will annoy you at some point so it’s good to have another one to rant to
4. Drinking eventually gets old
5. When you meet the person you’re meant to be with you’ll know it right away
I’m doing an advice column for my school’s magazine and this week’s topic is libraries. Got any library questions?
They went pretty well. In all honesty, it was fine, not a single issue aside from the computers being obnoxious for printing. I got to spend the afternoon with Nick, which was nice. The issue was my mom. She freaked out the moment she got home from work. Then got mad at me just now because I wouldn’t let her help me send a file through this one site. But in all honesty, I don’t see why she flipped. I just wanted to do it my own way, nothing wrong with that. She’s way too on edge. I can’t handle it. I’m starting to get really stressed and anxious now. And I feel bad whining to Nick because of everything going on with his grandmother. Ugh. I wish he wasn’t working, I wish I didn’t work on the morning. I just want to fall asleep next to him and feel safe.
Definitely just need to rant right now. So what better place to do it than tumblr right? Nick has been acting weird. And we finally talked about it. He feels like he needs to find himself, which I agree with, and he apparently wonders why I stay with him. So after explaining that I think he’s a great guy, I figured we’d be done with it and get to chat aimlessly for a bit. But instead it escalated into a tense discussion that was borderline argument. I don’t even know what it was really about. I asked if we could drop it and he was a little testy saying, “we can’t drop me needing to find myself, but yes we can drop the discussion.” I wanted to bitch back but I bit my tongue and said I meant the discussion since he needs to find himself. Then I apologized and was told not to be sorry. It ended with me saying I didn’t want to cause an issue and him not texting me back. It’s fantastic, let me tell you. When he’s upset he gets distant and pushes people away, he told me, so I know I should just chill and let him cool down. God knows I need to cool down too, but I wish he’d at least say goodnight and that he loves me. Is that too much to ask for?
I hate this. His doctor shouldn’t have changed his damn medication when he was doing fine on the other one. His dosage isn’t right, and it’s affecting his mood drastically. So now he and I are having issues, and even though he said he’ll talk to the doc about his mood, I can’t guarantee he will. I mean, I’ll remind him, but I don’t want to start an argument because of it, and it might just set him off with the way it’s making him act. Ugh. Sometimes medication isn’t the answer, and you certainly don’t change it when it’s working. It’s making me so damn anxious that my stomach is acting up again. I’d rather go back to eating constantly and having my loving boyfriend be himself than drop a few pounds due to lack of food and potentially lose him. Fuck doctors, fuck medication, fuck meddling parents, fuck school, fuck everything.
It’s weird watching tv and seeing a character get upset over an injury because she may have lost her chance to play college hockey and being able to relate 100%. The day my shoulder got hit I felt like everything I was working towards was destroyed… and it kind of was. I got a D1 offer, but I turned it down and chose a school for the academics. I don’t know, in a way I’m glad it all got screwed up, it lead me down a different path and I’m happy with who is in my life at the moment. Although, I would really like it if my boyfriend would stand up to his mother for once. He just got back from a family vacation tonight and when I ask what time I get to see him tomorrow, he says 8 or 9 at night because his mom wants to go to some damn festival. Like, seriously? He doesn’t want to go, spent the past 5 days with her as it is (after she made him come home 2 days before leaving to pack, might I add, talk about odd), and now she’s demanding another day? Maybe I just have a different relationship with my parents. But if it was me, I would tell my mom no, that I want to actually see my friends, and then leave. Once you’re in your 20s, it’s time to stand up to your parents and not let them dictate you’re entire life. So now I’m frustrated, and Nick says he’s gonna call once he’s unpacked, and honestly, I don’t know if I really feel like talking to him right now. I’m upset, and I’m tired and I’d rather just be left alone so I don’t say something I’ll regret. Ugh.
I’ve come to the realization that I only use my tumblr when something is wrong. And since the past 2 months have been fantastic thanks to Nick, I haven’t felt a need to post, at least until now. Nick is still great, even with my damn ed acting up again. It started a couple weeks ago, but I refused to actually acknowledge it until last night. I’ve put weight on, a good 10 pounds at least. Clothes don’t quite fit right anymore when they did a month ago. I hate it. I can’t look myself in the mirror without feeling disgusting. It doesn’t help that I’ve started drinking beer again, so many empty calories. But It’s summer, and summer means more parties, and beer is just easier than liquor and mixers. I don’t even want to think about the number of empty calories I’ve ingested in the past 2 weeks alone.
After the Goo Goo Dolls concert last night I was laying in bed ready to cry. Nick knew something was up, he’s known, but he hadn’t pushed it. I completely broke down in his arms. I couldn’t even look at him when I said I was losing control of the damn eating disorder. I feel so ashamed. I had it, things were good. Now I’m going back down that scary road and there doesn’t seem an end in sight. Everyone’s ed is acting up. Kait’s has been bad since everything happened in April, and Marijke’s mom has gotten so obsessed with weight that now she’s become focused on dropping weight herself. I knew the slip was coming, but I thought if I spent enough time with Nick, I’d be able to stop it. I figured if I was away from my friends who were slipping, they wouldn’t unknowingly trigger me. I was wrong. I just hope I don’t fuck up things with Nick and my friends because of this. That’ll make things so much worse.
A BIG one. McDonald’s chicken nuggets, fries, and a mcdouble, then an ice capp, and then popcorn at the movies. I guess overall I didn’t eat that much today, but still. It was all crap. The stomach aches are back too. I’m stressing over the lsat already, and it’s a year away. But that means I only have a year to get my score up 17 points at the very least. Idk. Maybe I’m not mean to be a lawyer. I’m helping my friend Carlton edit his novel, and I love it. Every. Single. Moment. Maybe I should be an editor like I considered back in high school. I’m good at it, and I enjoy it. Ugh. Life is never good all around. I wish I knew law was the right choice 100%.
I’m happy. Legitimately, 100% happy, for the first time in over a year. And it scares the shit out of me. Nick makes me feel things I never felt with Jason. For Jason I had to play a game, pretend I was ok with things I wasn’t. But with Nick, I can be myself completely. He knows about my eating disorder, my anger issues, even the anxiety. His reaction when I told him? He pulled my closer, kissed my forehead, and said “It’s ok. I’m messed up too.” I know, I know, doesn’t exactly sound like the greatest thing to say, but in that moment, when I looked into his eyes, it was the best thing anyone has ever said to me. I realized that Nick actually loves me for the real me, not for the mask I put on for everyone else in my life. Yes, love, not like. He said it tonight. Maybe it’s too soon, I don’t know. But I know what love feels like and it is definitely there. And you know what? It feels great, and I do not care what anyone says.
I’ve noticed that the Internet is leaning toward the NYC side of the state when it talks about New York getting equal marriage. Every GIF, every screencap, every Photoshop: they’ve been of New York City.
As much as I love the place I currently live in, I’m a Syracuse boy from birth. So can we,…
omg. I wish I had made these for corey’s birthday!
